i'm afraid to fall

dear diary,
this is the first time that i'm not thankful to live another day for this year
yes, i love this december holiday
it is peaceful and quiet, no drama o rama
no inter-personal relationship problems
but the feeling that "im not really needed" came rushing back last night
just feel very sad
i stopped typing, to wonder how many of my friends will cry and miss me when i die.
then i realised that i'm shallow
i seems to have a thousand friends but how many of them are really close friends
i treat many of my friends like i'll die without them
but it seems that none of them treat me back the same
sometimes, i just need people to call me "darling, dear, my love" instead of "buddy, awesome"
so, i think that "i'm not really needed" part is true
yes, i die everyday waiting for my friends to love me like they would die without me
maybe the day may not happen
okay, you can't blame me
since last year, i realised that things never go the way i visualised or imagined
so sometimes, i also gave up on my imagination
there are times that i feel very insecure
yes, this should be the period.
dearest diary, am i that insignificant?
so am i only needed to teach people math and listen to people's complaints?
is that it
what about after education part? where i have to stop teaching people math and haveto stop listening to people's complaints
will my time be up?
i realised that no one is going to help me cos people never will.
okay, people just gonna treat this whole thing as a joke and laugh
dear diary, merry christmas to you!
you are really one of my best friends since 2008.
i love you.